Feb 14th - today’s date is a very important date for most people, undoubtedly in my life too. Whatever way I lived so far is different and this day is going to be an important turning point in my life. I don’t know how my parents & friends will react to this, but I think I’m very clear in what I did so far. Maybe I also don’t know how to handle it further, but let me see. Sail by the tide unless a shore or a bigger tide embraces you. Devayani IPS, the title behind my name and the strength it brought to my personality are of no use for the feelings that are now running in my mind and the turmoil I currently go through. After all I’m also a girl and the toughness I possess is just an adopted quality, not an inborn trait.
The ultimate cause for what I go through today is him – The great Manuraj Gupta, the smart chap hailing from Gujarat who got into the academy by securing a double digit rank. His talent and charisma was admired by all, maybe even the panel in UPSC which made them grant him the task of administering the wealthiest state in India. He could have got posting in his home state itself had be opted for IPS, but he was more keen in becoming an IAS & became one. Thanks to the honorable British souls who designed the initial days of training as a common one to all Civil Service pass out candidates. It made my soul realize that the controls I subjected to myself couldn’t withstand the naughty smile he carried and the striking weaponry of his eyes. All these are things of the past and the tension I carry with the letter in my hand will keep increasing till I could hand it over to him. No doubt, Love is so powerful making a person infected by it unbecoming oneself.
The aroma of the hot breakfast served by the orderly couldn’t do anything to reduce my mental trauma. I tried reaching him in his mobile, but his favorite Macarena caller tune never stopped. They say troubled minds can’t think logical. It is turning out very true in my case; I forgot that he doesn’t carry his cell phone when he goes for jogging. I know it’ll be a matter of minutes before he comes and relives me of the pain the letter in my hand is causing to me. The wait for his arrival to breakfast table ignited thoughts of our initial days when I used to intentionally delay my arrival to the breakfast hall so as to eat with him. I don’t want him to return with anyone accompanying him as we should be in private when he reads this letter.
I didn’t count how many times I would have read it myself, but am sure it might not be anything less than 20. A girl’s handwriting is definitely appealing to read, but for a letter in this circumstance, it is nowhere near consideration. Each time I finish reading it, I wish some miracle to happen to salvage me out of this situation and do something to make Manuraj feel the way I want. Whatever he had in his mind so far, I pray God to conquer his mind and make him take a favorable decision after reading it. I always used to wonder regarding how difficult it could become for a keralite mother and a north indian Brahmin father to get a spouse for their children. I felt as though the letter in was laughing at me with the rudimentary question “Don’t you think it is slightly immature to worry about it now?”
Going by all theories of love and romance, he should not be surprised seeing this letter, rather he would have anticipated it expecting for the same just as I do. He could have closed off things long back, but maybe his IAS ego didn’t permit to take the first step. I waited and waited for him to act all these days, but ultimately the time for the inevitable is today. I myself don’t know whether it was coincidence or purposeful that the day chosen is Valentine ’s Day. One more question I ask myself is why letter? Why could this stupid girl’s heart not have the courage to speak it out? Is it the fear of failure or the fear that things might take a wrong turn if it was not put properly? Anyway, there is no reversal of what has happened and I need to face it out straight. Building courage is difficult, but once built, there is no going back. In this instance, I somehow feel like practically experiencing the theoretical lessons my IPS course tried to seed in me.
The agonizing wait is about to come to an end, am able to see his charming figure in close vicinity. In any other circumstance, I would have been admiring his stellar figure and athletic body, but today is different and I was only thinking about how well to structure the unfolding of events. As soon as he saw me, he was swiftly filled with his trademark smile, the intangible culprit that rendered the IPS officer into life term imprisonment. Each and every advancing foot step of his had the impact of striking blows into my heart. The heart which was conquered by him long back is now beating fast unsure of his reaction and the outcome in the next few minutes.
Not wanting to give the letter straightway, I waited for him to settle down. Is he also in some tension like me or was it just the normal pant due to jogging? I originally wanted to give a buildup before handing over the letter, but alas, all my planning went haywire. I bluntly gave the letter to him and directed him to read, just by eye contact, not pronouncing any word from mouth. His face immediately bore astonishment with a sigh that purports to probe the contents of it. Would he know what it contains without even reading it? Or maybe he wants to know how the message is structured.
He took a full 3 minutes to read the letter, quite high for his standards which made me think whether he read it more than once. I don’t care the number of times he reads it or in what speed he reads it, but only want to know his reaction after reading it. When he lifted his head after reading, the reaction I saw was nowhere near to what I expected. Based on the investigating techniques & face reading methods I was familiar with, he showed anger mixed with disappointment. As though the damage was not enough, he squeezed the letter throwing it off and walked away without speaking any word. With full of tears in my eyes and totally devastated with the turnout of this Valentine ’s Day, I picked up the squeezed letter to read it one more time.
“To my dearest parents,
After putting in all possible efforts to convince Papa, I finally realized it is never going to happen. By the time you read this letter, I would be very far from both of your jurisdictional limits. Being the only daughter of a happy successful couple, my marriage is also going to be a love marriage like yours. I’ve decided to commence a new life with Manish who in all respects is the best match for me. I should only consider myself unlucky for all the conflicts Papa has with Manish’s dad, but what can we do for it? When we got into love, neither did we know about these problems nor had the thought of running away like this. This decision is taken only to protect Papa’s reputation and professional career and not to cause any damage with my marriage. Though I’ll be married to Manish this Sunday, I’m always the proud daughter of Manuraj Gupta IAS & Devayani IPS and would like to be so ever.
Seeking both of your blessings and looking forward for an early joyous reunion. Bye.
With kisses & loads of love,
Anitha Gupta.”
